I like to think that I want God awareness but somehow it is not happening. Why does God hide himself from me and put me through all the useless, painful experiences?
But it’s not that at all.
Really, I am scared of God awareness. Of giving myself to it. Of opening myself to it. Of letting it blossom in me.
I want the God awareness. And I want it to make sense and fit into my life before realizing God awareness.
I want God awareness on my terms. Like it is a prized car or a super special possession. I want to possess the God awareness.
I don’t want to be possessed by the God awareness. To be uplifted and changed and transformed by it. To made different – to have my consciousness change at a deep level.
So what happens when I both seek God awareness but also resist it?
I turn it into a metaphysical other. I want to know God and yet I don’t know because He hides from me. Or because I don’t have the right knowledge of Him. Or because I don’t know how God could exist in a natural world.
The practical gulf between my ordinary awareness and God awareness is turned into an epistemic gulf.
It’s like when a man, unable to commit to the woman he loves, is lost in thought of how he can know she is the right woman for him. He doesn’t want to let himself be changed. And yet he doesn’t want to break up. So he hovers in an in between realm of: is she really the one for me? How can I know? Let me weigh the evidence.
The weighing the evidence and the deliberating and the pros and cons – to which one can devote all of ones life – then becomes the limit of how far one is willing to travel. God awareness, which in its dormancy made itself known to me, is reified and turned into the God concept, to be analyzed and debated. Comfortable in its familiarity, in its keeping the scary transformation of God awareness at arms length.
Faith is making the leap beyond from the metaphysical conception of God into the lived practical, psychological openness to the transformation of ones consciousness. Not keeping the God awareness at bay, but letting it change one from the inside out.
But: Is that all that God is, a change in human consciousness? Where is the omniscience and omnipotence? Where are the miracles and the other world and the man in the sky?
Those are all just the metaphysical expressions of God awareness. To get stuck on them is like refusing to eat food until you can eat pictures of the food.
God is not just a change in human consciousness. He is the deepest change that can happen – a move from an ego awareness to non ego awareness.
There is a psychological shift from the adolescence of the ego consciousness (an adolescence which can last all of one’s life) into the adulthood of non ego consciousness. The ego consciousness has to die for the non ego consciousness to blossom.
Concepts like resurrection, reincarnation and freedom from karma are but mental constructs to make sense of this root psychological transformation.
There is no metaphysical mystery ultimately about God. There is only the psychological path of the unfolding consciousness.
Nothing to prove. Nothing to disprove. If you don’t like the word “God”, ditch it. If you like it, don’t be limited by the word. Above all, heed the energy within which calls you into newer realms of awareness. The depth of the surrender to the newer realms – the depth of the leap of faith – is the infinite potential of God.