Stress is discord between expectation and reality.
By instinct, we respond to stress by trying to change reality. If the world or others don’t confirm to my expectations, then I will make them conform. I will remove the discord by aligning reality with my expectation.
This instinct is pervasive. Deep seated. And often largely unconscious.
It also perpetuates stress. The more I try to make reality conform to my expectations, the more the discord increases. More stress rises.
The other extreme is to try to give up expectations altogether. A forced resignation to reality.
But this too leads to stress. Giving up expectations becomes an expectation, which conflicts with the reality of being unable to give up all expectations.
What then? If I can’t change reality to fit my expectations, nor give up expectations, how to respond to stress?
Be aware of it.
Don’t just act out of it. Nor try to dismiss it or cover it up. Be with it. With the sense of discord. With the tension between what you want and what is happening.
You can’t change reality however you want. Nor can you get rid of expectations by fiat.
If you sit with the discord, a third option arises: reality will slowly transform your expectations, which in turn will slowly work on reality.
If you don’t try to control how expectations and reality coexist, but give them space to exist with each other even in discord, they will slowly make friends with each other.
Expectations then won’t try to impose themselves onto reality. Nor reality try to bully expectations.
Both are equal partners. Stress arises when one is seen as more in control. When one is experienced as the aggressor and the other as the supplicant. Stress is the feeling of war between the two.
Peace is the experience of not taking sides. Not favoring reality or expectations. Seeing both as intertwined and inseparable.
Reality is reality. Vast. Uncontrollable. A wild bull which can’t be harnessed.
As a human, as a cognitive being, expectations are reality. Built into me through millions of years of biology, thousands of years of culture and decades of biography. My expectations are no easier for me to control often than I can control the wind or the lightening. Expectations flow through me like lava through an erupting volcano.
Expectations I can easily control are only surface expectations. The more the stress, the deeper the expectations in play and harder to be aware of them, let alone control.
The deep expectations are no more in my control than reality outside me. The deep expectations are just ultimately part of reality. The more I relate to them as reality, as something I can’t just control through my will, the less the stress.
The tension is really between reality and itself: outer reality and inner reality, both vaster than anything I can easily change. Stress is the identification with one aspect of reality over another.
Stress is like identifying with one wheel of a bicycle and seeing the other wheel as an antagonist. “I want it to move when i move, but how dare it makes me move when it wants to move!”
Leave to outer reality what is outer reality. Leave to deep habit and expectations what is deep habit and expectations. Identify with neither. Don’t get caught in their fights.
Give each space and observe them. Be friendly with both without trying to resolve their dispute. Don’t seek the happiness of an easy resolution. Open yourself to the peace of them working it out slowly over time. Be open to new, unexpected solutions and paths.
Stress is like greed: it’s pain and desire can’t be satisfied. Trying to satisfy it only leads to temporary satiation and ultimately to further craving and deeper pain.
Step outside of stress and just observe it. Don’t side with expectations or with reality.
Stress can’t be fulfilled. Through yelling or force or getting them to do what you want or you being better.
Stress can only be dissolved. Deflated through not identifying with it.
Stress can’t be overcome. It can only be side stepped.
Step to the side and let it pass. Observe it as it passes.
Observe the tangle between expectations and reality the way you would observe two wild animals locked in battle. With caution, with respect. Mindful of them and the space of their battle. And mindful to keep your distance and not be pulled into that space.